in Gay Stuff, Relationships, Thoughts

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I was just about to close up shop and go to bed for the night when it occurred to me that I had not checked in on any of my blogroll sites today.

I got as far UMB’s site, Dancing Nekkid, and read his post: A Mystery of True Love and realized that I am terrible at talking about things aloud. I occasionally have brilliant thoughts.* I try with a slight degree of success** to capture them in words that I post here, or jot into song lyrics.

When I said last week that UMB never read my blog, I wasn’t kidding. Consequently, he had never read all the posts detailing my relationship with Toby. He hadn’t read about our Goodbye that night at the hotel. While I told him about it, I guess the details weren’t as, well, detailed as they were in my post.

I’ve always been this way. Even in grade school, if I was mad at someone I preferred to write them a note folded into some strange configuration that would allow me to tuck the paper over on itself so that it was like a pop-up envelope.***

When dealing with any serious emotional issue, I want to write things down so that I can edit them and restructure the thoughts so that they make sense. I like the act of pounding out my thoughts on the keyboard, the words appearing almost magically on the screen as my brain thinks them up. I like not being a slave to what words come from my mouth in a moment of anger or frustration when things are much more likely to be misinterpreted.

I think this policy has served me well on many occasions, not the least of which is tonight as I read UMB’s post and see the progression of thought from jealousy and hurt into understanding what I felt and the point I was trying to make.

We met online, via email. Some of the best talks we’ve ever had have been on instant messenger, occasionally while we were sitting in the same room.**** It seems only natural and fitting that discussions like this happen online and that you, dear reader, get to share.

* Shut up. They are brilliant. Brilliant, I say. Fine, you keep laughing like that and I’ll never share them.

** I’m a legend in my own mind. It’s ok. I can accept that.

*** How did I manage to do that? I don’t think I could fold a note like that again to save my life.

**** I know that sounds ridiculous, but occasionally I’m hoarse from singing, or I want to send him a picture of something I found online and don’t want to make him get up to look at it. And it’s so much easier to send him a link to something than saying outloud, “h.t.t.p. colon forward slash forward slash hot guy dot com.”

 

I am EXACTLY the same way. I have always been able to better get my thoughts across in writing. I hate talking on the phone, and would much rather have conversations over instant messenger because it is better to be able to edit and censor what I have to say before I hit send.

Bianca wrote on December 4th, 2006 at 8:02 am

 

 

Oh, me too Bianca!!! I HATE talking on the phone, to anyone! The only time i do it is if i am seperated from my love and just need to hear his voice.
Paul, (about your comment on “A Mystery…”) i just want you to know that i already figured all that out. It was really nice to have it confirmed, though. XOX

nekkid wrote on December 4th, 2006 at 11:51 am

 

 

Awww…you guys are so cute. It’s bringing a lil’ tear to my eye. Maybe I’ll make you do a duet of “Always” or “Love lift us up” at karaoke.

Lisa wrote on December 4th, 2006 at 4:28 pm

 

 

Writing is definitely easier. I IM my hubby when we’re in the same room too, it’s good, especially for websites. Also good because he can’t concentrate on more than one thing at a time so sometimes if I speak to him he responds with “Yeah, uh huh.” and doesn’t hear a thing I say. With IM it’s all right there on the screen.

I wish I could remember how to fold notes in spiffy ways…

kristarella wrote on December 4th, 2006 at 5:48 pm

 

 

To both of you:
What Paul and I shared was wonderful. It was like two lost butterflies finding each other in a world where no creature or soul had wings. We were both pretty young (I was MUCH younger BTW…lol), ignorant of life, and ready to explore. Yes, Paul will always have a place in my heart, a spot in my phone, and a page in my books, but I’m no longer IN love with Paul. I’m IN love with Steve and no one will be able to replace that. Even if Paul and I had reconnected years ago, I’m afraid the outcome of today would be very similar. You see, I too believe that everything happens for a reason, but I also think that god/the spirits (or whatever higher being you may believe in) wouldn’t throw anything at you that you couldn’t handle or weren’t strong enough for. When I became HIV positive, I knew when, with whom, and how. It was not because of ignorance of the disease, the lifestyles, or laziness. It was because my partner chose not to tell me that he was positive. Paul, I’ll always love you, you and I share many memories together. Nekkid, you share many more memories with Paul than I do, including his last 4 years. Steve shares my last 4 (almost) and that is something I love you both for. One of these days, maybe you and I can end our notes with I love you…

Toby wrote on December 28th, 2006 at 8:28 pm

 

Say something already!